Character Issues
by Plastic Fork Cutter
Summary: Characters... plus issues! This comedy fanfic includes characters from over 6 animes and books! Oh, and did we mention that the two authors are included?
1. Prologue Part One

"Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR."-Mark Twain

**Fork:** "I love that quote. Sums up the whole thing in a nutshell."

**Neko:** "Rather disturbing, though..."

**Fork:** "Eh, true... We should get on with the story! People never read these things anyway..."

**Neko:** "...I do."

**Fork:** "Key word: PEOPLE."

* * *

NOTE: Sarah will be posting this story in paragraph format on her account, LiebeWolf.KuraNeko, for anyone who is interested

Character Issues Prologue Part One

The Author: "Alright guys… It's come to my attention that you have been having some issues lately… anything you think we should talk about?

J.T. Money: "Alright, dawg, straight up, you've been slackin' on the writing lately. You've gotta put me in more scripts, man!"

Emo Kid: "No, dude, forget that idea. You need to write something for me, where I explore the darkness… and the sadness… of life."

J.T. Money: _(loudly)_ "Man, nobody wanna see that!" _(stares disbelievingly) _"What's wrong wit cho?!" _(to The Author)_ "Man, put me in a new story! Ooh, betta yet, make me a rap! Make me a new rap, dawg!"

The Author: "Yeah… It's been really busy lately… I haven't had much time."

High-Stress Dad: "LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, KID: YOU'D BETTER FIND TIME, OKAY?! BECAUSE I NEED A WIFE, OR A SKETCH WITH MY JOB, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT, OKAY?!"

Orlando: _(femininely) _"No, you know, what you need to do, is put me in a story or something. Because so far, Aurochs was _really_ funny!" _(giggles)_ "Or, no, do like a… Orlando gets revenge on Siggy thing! That'd be awesome." _(cat-like 'purring' noise)_

Sorrel: (_calmly, to The Author)_ "Well, you know… uh… it's been over a year since you put me in anything… so, uh… hopefully you can put me in a story, and we can have a good time and go from there."

Orlando: "Oh, oh, I got it! Great idea! 'Orlando vs Chris Crocker'!"

J.T. Money: _(disbelievingly)_ "What the hell is that?!"

Orlando: "I don't know… I just really like the sound of it."

The Author: "Eh, I might consider that idea."

J.T. Money: _(to The Author) _"Man, you are so selfish! It's always abou cho!"

The Author: "I'm selfish? What about you? You have songs written about you!"

Orlando: _(interrupting) _"J.T., I really like your raps."

J.T. Money: "Man, yea! At least someone's on my side!"

Orlando: "I like 'em a lot."

_(They stare at each other. Orlando is doing his best to look sexy, and J.T. Money just looks a little repulsed and scared.)_

Orlando: _(after a long moment) _"Maybe I could be, like, a singer… on your next hardcore rap."

J.T. Money: _(stares, looking horrified for a long minute, then:)_ "Absolutely not!"

Hobo Jo: _(suddenly, to The Author)_ "HELLO! We seem to be forgetting about me! I'm your protagonist! And you haven't written anything actually starring me in months! Oh, sure, everything begins with my name in the title, but we know who it's really about… Damn older brothers…"

_(The Author starts to respond, but Emo Kid interrupts)_

Emo Kid: "I really want you to write something with me at a My Chemical Romance concert… make me in the crowd with the mosh pits… and I'll show everybody what it's like to really be a mosher!"

Sorrel: "Hey, Fork, why is uh… poser over here always so sad?"

The Author: "…I actually don't know." _(to Emo Kid)_ "Dude, why are you always so sad?"

Emo Kid: "I've got the artist lifestyle down… like, I wear artsy clothes, and I hang out at artsy places… I'm just having a lot of trouble with the art."

High-Stress Dad:_ (to The Author) _"THIS IS WHAT YOU GIVE ME, HUH?! _(gestures to Emo Kid and J.T. Money)_ "YOU COULDN'T JUST GIVE ME NORMAL SONS, HUH? YOU HAD TO GIVE ME TWO SOCIAL RETARDS!"

_(J.T. Money and Emo Kid immediately begin defending themselves – this causes the rest of the group to begin talking over each other as well.)_

The Author: _(loudly interrupting) _"HEY! If I don't want to write anymore, I won't, okay?! Not for you, not for you, not for you!" _(she points to each member of the group in turn)_ "Okay?! I write what I want to!"

High-Stress Dad: "WELL, IF YOU'RE JUST GOING TO BE A PUNK ABOUT IT, THEN FORGET IT!" _(He stands up and storms off)_

(Mumbling, the rest of the crowd follow suit)

The Author: "Wait! Guys! I didn't mean it! WAIT! Come back! I was kidding! J.T. Money!! Dude, please, come back!!"

_(Soon, only Orlando is left. They stare at each other)_

Orlando: (suddenly) "I don't like you." (runs off in tears)

_(The Author sighs and slumps down in her chair. Scene fades to black.)_


	2. Prologue Part Two

Character Issues Prologue Part Two

Character Issues – Prologue – Part Two

_(The scene fades in from black. Once again, The Author is sitting at a table, surrounded by her characters.)_

The Author: "Okay, guys, hopefully you will be a bit more productive than the last group. They didn't seem to want to do ANYTHING."

Zuko: "Dude, why the hell am I here? I'm one of Sarah's characters! Wait, no, I'm an Avatar character being BORROWED by Sarah!"

The Author: "Tough cookies."

Sarah: _(shrugs)_ "I don't care anyway."

Zuko: "But…" _(thinks)_ "I have a note from my doctor saying that this is copywrite infringement!"

The Author: "Eh, screw the law. Anyone else have a complaint?"

_(Long pause)_

Onde: "Well, um, actually a _compliment_… I've noticed that I've been getting a lot more attention than most other characters lately, and I just wanted to let you know, that's really… nice." _(he smiles, and begins filing his nails)_

Whiny Kid: "Mmmmmmmmmmm… why don't I get more attention than everyone else? Especially Emo Kid! What's so special about him?!"

The Author: "Well… You see—"

Salem: _(randomly)_ "I'm a MARY SUE!"

_(Everyone stares at her)_

The Author: "Yes… yes you are. Which is why your story has been discontinued."

Drug-dealer #1: _(to Whiny Kid)_ "Ya know wha ya need? Mushrooms!"

Whiny Kid: _(stares, looking a bit frightened)_ "Mmm… Mushrooms?"

Lord Henry: "Dude, quit corrupting the innocents…" (slow grin) "That's my job."

The Author: _(mental Death Note)_ _Lord Henry… hit by a semi-truck… 11: 47… while crossing the street… yeah, that oughtta work…_

Dark: "You guys… are insane."

Onde: _(looking up suddenly)_ "Hang on – I do have a complaint! Why does EVERYONE except me get a love interest? I mean, seriously, why not me? I'm sexy!"

Drug-dealer #1: "Dude, I'm not _that_ stoned."

_(Awkward silence)_

Onde: _(getting to his feet, glaring at Drug-dealer #1_) "You monster!" _(runs off tearfully)_

Whiny Kid: "Mmm, nooo, waaaaiiiiit! Come baaaaaaack!!" _(loud whining noise, then breaks down in tears)_

The Author: _(weakly) _"…Meeting… adjourned."

A/N: Okay, so the prologue wasn't so eventful. But trust us, it picks up as far as adventure goes VERY soon. If you don't enjoy it after THAT point… then may I be chopped up and made into soup. (Don't get any ideas!)

Until next time, then!


	3. Chapter One: The Begining

A/N: The whole "cows taking over the government" thing is inspired by a cheesy Sci-Fi. Calley firmly believes that they will eventually take over and Sarah... well, Sarah's getting a little exasperated.

Emo Kid: "What is this place? I don't like this. I don't like anything. Except My Chemical Romance…"

Zuko: "Hang on – I recognize this place - we're back in character issues again!"

J.T. Money: "What? Are they tryin' to say that we got issues or somethin'?"

_(Sarah steps out of the shadows)_

Sarah: "No, we're not saying that at all! We're just bored and want to hang out. Plus we're feeling a little down."

Dark: "Oh, okay…"

Calley: "We sent the bulletin as optional…"

Onde: "Must've missed it." _(smiles)_ "To tell the truth, I can think of a few people with issues here… not to name names… follow my eyes…" _(he looks pointedly at Zhao)_

_(Zuko and Sarah cough)_

Sarah: "So, how are you guys?"

Emo Kid: _(sighs)_ "What do you expect? My life is just as dark and suffocating as ever." (he glances at Sarah) "Only a few people really understand what it's like."

J.T. Money:_(stares at Emo Kid incredulously, then quickly looks away, shuddering) _"Man, Why'd you guys haveta invite _him_?"

Sarah: "Sorry! Calley suggested it!"

Dark: "Oh well… lets get this party started, right?"

Zhao: "I hate parties."_ (pauses) _"Come to think of it, I hate all happiness."

_(Everyone stares at him)_

Calley: "Ooookaaay, moving on…"

_(Sarah eyes Zhao)_

Onde: "Author Sarah?"

Sarah: "I'm good…" _(mutters to Calley)_ "Why'd you invite him?!"

Calley: "It wasn't me! I thought you…"

_(Awkward pause as they stare at him)_

Dark: _(clears his throat) _"Ahem. Anyway."

J.T. Money: "Yes anyway, straight up gee!"

Calley: "Yes…" _(mutters)_ "Next time specify who should come…"

Zuko: "Okay, so what did you want?"

Sarah: "Some comedy… you know to lift our sour moods, maybe some romance…"

Emo Kid: "Romance?" _(looks at Sarah)_ "If you were my girlfriend, I would treat you like a princess."

Sarah: "…Erm…"

_(J.T. Money makes a chocked laughing noise)_

J.T. Money: "Man, you are so confused…"_ (turns to Sarah) _"You don't want someone like 'dat!"

Calley: _(growls)_ "Key words, guys: "**Maybe some** romance."

Zhao: "Indeed. I hate happy emotions… like love." _(to Calley)_ "You're not in it for love, are you?" (dark smile) "How about just tonight?"

(Calley whimpers and moves behind Sarah, using her as a human shield)

Sarah: "Zhao… I thought I killed you…"

Zhao: _(shrugs, then gives a dark smile)_ "I guess I came back."

Sarah: "That sucks… a lot…"

Zuko: "Hang on… why does that suck for you? For Ayame I'd understand… but…"

Sarah:_ (coldly) _"As an author writing in first person I have to feel everything that my characters do to accurately portray it in words…"

Zuko: _(eyes widen)_ "Everything?"

Sarah: "Yes everything! And usually multiple times as my brain re-imagines it."

Zuko: "…"

Calley: "Anywho. Moving on…"

Emo Kid: _(singing)_ "We move along…"

J.T. Money: "Shut up, you All-American-Reject."

Emo Kid: "You know, that's one of my favorite bands… So your insult is actually more like a compliment… thank you."

_(Everyone stares at him disbelievingly)_

Sarah:_ (breaks the awkward silence)_ "Ahem. Let's have some music shall we?"

Calley: "Yeah, it's too quiet…"

_(Sarah goes over to the stereo and puts in a burned CD. Start the Machine by Angels and Airwaves begins playing. Sarah sits in a black bean back chair afterwards)_

J.T. Money: _(begins composing his own rap to the same beat) _"Sch sch sch…. J.T. Money in the 3-1-0…"

Onde: _(randomly) _"That's hot."

_(Awkward pause, then J.T. Money continues as though there was no interruption.)_

Dark: _(sighs and looks around) _"Sarah – you seem a bit down. What's up?"

Sarah: "I can barely understand my mysterious mind… I don't think you would…"

Dark: "Try me."

_(Emo Kid comes to sit next to Sarah on the beanbag chair)_

Emo Kid: _(randomly interrupting) _"Do you like Fall Out Boy?"

Sarah:_ (looks at him) _"Self Esteem… Bargained for… I guess…" (she turns up the music) "And I don't know how do describe it Dark… I'm just feeling down…"

_(Dark is about to reply, but Calley suddenly runs up looking frantic)_

Calley: "Wait – we didn't invite Hiwatari!"

_(On cue, the door is flung open and Hiwatari stand dramatically in the doorway. The music switches immediately to 'I'm too sexy') _

Hiwatari: _(looks around)_ "Someone said my name?"

_(Calley gives a contented sigh and promptly faints. Sarah narrows her eyes.)_

Sarah: "I'm so far deep down that I can't find that funny… not one bit."

Calley: "Sorry…"

Dark: "Now that that's over…"_ (turns to Sarah again) _"What's bothering you?"

Sarah: "Truth be told, I'm not entirely sure… I guess low sugar… or weather… probably weather it's pretty bleak. Though I guess not a lot of writing comedy/romance for a few days…"

Emo Kid: _(again, randomly)_ "What's the point in writing romance when you can experience it… and all it's joys and sorrows… for yourself?" _(looks up) _"If you were my girlfriends we could share all of our apathy, pain, and suffering with each other."

Sarah: "Are you hitting on me?"

Emo Kid: "Yes. Yes I am." _(he looks tearful as though waiting for another rejection)_

Sarah: "You can be my friend, I am afraid your not my type. Dark! Any ideas to lighten my mood?"

Dark: "Hmm. Not exactly and expert on this – but perhaps you can try writing something new? I've noticed that you have used the same fandom for a while – How about an original romantic/comedy?"

(_Meanwhile Emo Kid has burst into tears and has run off to the emo corner)_

Sarah: _(shrugs)_ "Maybe… well aside from that… let's do something here to lighten the mood."

Calley: _(from across the room)_"Invite Jen! Woohoo!"

Sarah: "Can't… her Internet is off."

Calley: _(still cheerfully)_ "That entirely sucks!"

Sarah: "Did you swallow a happy pill?"

_(Meanwhile the guys have quietly walked into a corner while Sarah and Calley Banter. Dark suddenly has an idea)_

Dark: "Hey guys… I know he best way to cheer up Sarah! And give her friend… Calley right?... some fun too!"

Zuko: "How?"

Dark: "How do guys cheer up girls/ or whatever? We flirt!"

Onde: (he looks up sharply) "That, I can do! I rock at flirting! Seriously, I've hooked up with like, a hundred chicks…" _(etc)_

Zuko: _(ignoring him entirely)_

Dark: "I'm serious! Who's with me?"

Onde: "I'm in!"

Zuko: "Sure…"

Zhao: "Hell no."

Dark: "Whatever, we didn't want you to join in anyway. Everyone's happy!"

Emo Kid: "I'm not happy…"

Onde: "But you're never happy…"

Emo Kid: "…True"

Dark: "So…" _(practices a dashing smile) _"Follow my lead?" _(he begins to walk toward the girls)_

Onde: _(smoothing his hair, inside thought)_ 'Last night was hell on my rosy complexion, but eh, I guess it can't be helped… hmm…'

_(Sarah and Calley have been drawn into an argument from everything to ABC's to cows taking over the world)_

Sarah: "No they won't! I'll shoot 'em!"

Calley: "There's too many!"

Onde: "Can we interrupt?"

Sarah: _(takes a deep breath)_ "Yes?"

Emo Kid: "We were just – hang on, you smell really good. What sort of perfume are you wearing?"

Sarah: _(raises an eyebrow)_ "Just like you to notice – it's Obsession."

Emo Kid: _(quickly) _"No, no, I'm just curious"

Sarah: _(hesitant) _"No…I'm certain that it's Calvin Clines 'Obsession'."

_(Emo Kid blushes and mutters "Oh")_

Dark: "A rather interesting fragrance." _(winks)_

Sarah: _(smiling slightly)_ "Thanks… you know, sometimes I'll even spray some on a comb and brush it through my hair… Silly I know. Who's going to smell my hair?"

Zuko: "I should guys any self-respecting guy." _(cute smile)_

_(Sarah bursts out laughing)_

Onde: "What's so funny?"

Sarah: "I smell it too… and that's not me." _(points at Calley)_ "I was just making fun of Calley…" _(Calley is in the corner looking sour)_ "I don't wear perfume."

Calley: _(imitating Sarah's voice)_ "It's natural!"

Sarah: _(glares at her)_ "Hey! They said they smelled your perfume, I still think your imagining it."

Onde: "Imagining what?"

Calley: "Sarah's blood smells like—"

_(The door bursts open and Edward Cullen rushes inside, followed closely by Jacob Black)_

Edward: "Flowers!"

Calley: _(finishing, looking slightly exasperated)_ "…Flowers"

_(Onde eyes the new arrivals for a moment, particularly Edward, who is looking absolutely flawless.)_

Onde: _(with an air of defeat)_ "Okay, I'm out. I can't compete with that." _(he storms off to the emo corner)_

_(Sarah freezes and backs away slowly, though entranced by Edward's beauty, as though her angel has come to life)_

Jacob: "Edward… You're imagining it…"

Edward: "No! I smell roses…"

Calley: _(looks frantically between Sarah and Edward)_ "Oh… Crap…"

J.T. Money: "Yo! Who the heck are these posers?"

Sarah: _(quietly) _"He's a vampire from Twilight… and Jacob's a werewolf…"


	4. Chapter Two: Emo Kids Die Young

Emo Kid: _(at random)_ "I'm never happy!" _(he throws his razor blade over his shoulder… where Sarah happens to be standing… It nicks her arm)_

_(The room freezes, and Edward's eyes become coal black… and dangerous)_

Calley: _(mutters)_ "Sarah… run for it…"

Sarah: _(sarcastically) _"Like that's going to help!"_ (she begins backing away slowly, then turns and breaks into a run)_

_(Before she can reach it, something grabs her and pushes her into a corner)_

Sarah: _(loudly)_ "ARGH! Get off of—"

Jacob: "For God's sake, quit struggling! If I were the bloodsucker, do you think you would still be alive right now?!"

Sarah: _(stops and opens her eyes)_ "Oh… Sorry." _(looks over her shoulder at Edward, who seems to be in serious conflict with himself)_

Jacob: "I think it's time we left, Cullen."

Calley: _(whining) _"Nooo!" _(to Jacob)_ "Stay!"

J.T. Money: _(seeming to disagree) _"Party crashers!"

Edward: _(taking a hesitant step toward Sarah and Jacob)_ "Yes, Jacob, perhaps we should leave…" _(eyes the cut on Sarah's arm, looking hungry) "_Before this gets out of hand."

_(Apparently, this is too much for Sarah, who, with a dreamy sigh, faints.)_

_

* * *

__(Sarah wakes up in a dark room. Silvery blue ripples dance across the walls – the reflection of the rain. The room is bathed in shadows, pearlescent spears of dying sunlight trailing in through the high arching windows, a soft wind stirring the gossamer curtains that hang there.)_

Sarah: _(sitting up slightly) _"What the—"

Edward: _(out of nowhere) _"Hello!"

_(Sarah screams and backs away)_

Edward: _(winces)_ "Shh… I'm not going to hurt you." _(Indeed, his eyes are once again a light shade of topaz. He smiles.)_ "I apologize for what happened earlier. I'm in better control of myself now."

Sarah:_ (flushes in the dark, perfectly aware that the guy she likes a lot is in the room with her) _"Oh… That's good."

Edward: "I never thought I'd meet anyone who smells stronger than Bella…"

Sarah: "I… I'm sorry… I thought Calley was imagining…"_ (inside thought) Hang on – __where is Calley?! Where is everyone?! More importantly, where am I?_

Edward: "They're in a side-room. The emo kid ran off into the woods in a jealous rage. You seem to have had an affect on him." _(smiles at Sarah's confuzzled look)_ "Mind-reader, remember?"

Sarah: _(smiles shyly)_ "Yeah… I remember." _(she suddenly gets an idea) _"So… Mr. Mind-reader, who else do I have an effect on?"

Edward: _(smiles)_ "That would be cheating. Let's just say you have quite a few people worried about you." _(a dark look crosses his face)_ "We're all lucky the dog was there… or I highly doubt that you or any of your friends would be alive right now…" _(noticing Sarah's curious expression) _"That doesn't frighten you?

Sarah: "I thought you could read my mind… Or do you not understand? I am not frightened, and nor do I blame you for your nature."

Edward: _(pauses)_ "Either you're used to such occurrences, or you're very stupid…" _(he leans closer, gazing into her eyes…)_

_(The door is thrown open, and J.T. Money bursts inside, Jacob not far behind.)_

J.T. Money: "Whoa! Get a room!"

Sarah: _(glares at him)_ "Do I want to know what he's thinking?"

Edward: "Not a chance in hell." _(turns to J.T. Money, eyes narrowed) "_Pervert. And the answer is no."

_(J.T. Money looks shocked.)_

Sarah: _(before he can ask)_ "Edward is a mind-reader… literally."

Jacob: (_disdainfully) _"Edward? You know, if you give it a name, it'll be harder to say goodbye."

Sarah: "I know perfectly well what your opinion is, Jacob_." (looks at J.T. Money)_ "No to what?"

Edward: _(again before he can respond)_ "No, he may not watch us make out. For many reasons. Not the least of which being that I have no such intent." _(he looks slightly sad, and turns to Jacob) _"And what did you come in for?"

Jacob: "Trust me, if I had a choice, I wouldn't have. Save for the fact that we have a problem…"

Edward: "Which is?"

J.T. Money: "Yo, straight up dawg! It was NOT my fault! That funky dude with the side-burns – Zhao? – he's just gone, man!"

Jacob: "However, it seems that his friends have decided to pay us a visit." _(he goes to the western window and throws open the curtains, exposing the river… and a large assembly of Fire Nation ships.)_

J.T. Money: "Man, I don't know much about 'dis, but it ain't lookin' good, savvy?"

Sarah: "Edward… what was going through Zhao's mind when you entered?" _(asked warily, purposely thinking of his nature)_

Edward: _(pauses, then gets a look of horror on his face)_ "I… I was a bit distracted by your smell, so the memory's a little fuzzy… Something about finding out where you were, then ditching the place and—" (_his brow furrows)_ "What's an avatar?"

Sarah: _(swallows and sends him a quick mental explanation)_ "What did he say about it?"

Edward: _(eyes narrowed) _"Some crap about plot changes?" _(pauses) _"And about a dozen references to death and destruction…"

Sarah: _(freezes)_ "…Plot changes…?"

Edward: "Yes…"

Sarah: _(finally gets an idea and turns pale) _"Sometimes I hate myself… where's Calley?!"

J.T. Money: "Yo, straight up, she ran off afta Emo Kid again… Why?"

_(Sarah and Edward exchange glances)_

Sarah: "Edward, do you think you can follow their scents…?"

Edward: _(looks unhappy) _"Yes. But without you."

Sarah: "Why not?! She's my co-author!"

Edward: "Your smell is… overpowering."

Jacob: "And besides, you're staying here, with J.T."

_(Sarah starts to protest, but Edward interrupts)_

Edward: "You're staying here too, Jacob."

Jacob: "Like hell I am. And leave you alone with a kid who cuts himself as a hobby? I think not."

Sarah: _(smiles)_ "He'd probably be happy if someone killed him."

Edward: "Not funny…" _(he rolls his eyes) _"Fine, Jacob, let's take her to those other guys in the main room and go get Calley." _(he turns to Sarah)_ "Don't come after us…"

Sarah: "Why? What haven't you told me?"

_(Edward shakes his head and Jacob takes her out of the room to Dark, Zuko, and Onde, with J.T. Money following.)_

Edward: "We're going to be right back – until then, I want you all to stay inside. Barricade the door and don't open it for anybody but myself and Jacob."

Onde: "Truthfully, I don't think the door is going to keep those guys out." _(he gestures to the Fire Nation Ships)_ "Or those." _(points to the woods)_

Sarah: "Those what?" _(sarcastically) _"Trees?"

Onde: "Hang on, just watch for a minute…"

_(They all pause, eying the woods. After a moment, a pale blur flickers through the trees, then vanishes.)_

Edward: _(eyes narrowed)_ "The Volutori."

Jacob: _(suspiciously)_ "Why are they here, Cullen? Is this one of your tricks?" _(scoffs) _"I wouldn't put it past you."

Edward: "Relax, dog. I had nothing to do with this."

Jacob: _(snarls)_ "Then why are they—"

Edward: "I suppose we'll find out soon enough… won't we?"


End file.
